Do You Love Them Thi$$$ Much?

'Tis the season for engagements, and if the past is any indication (historically it's been a strong one), this year will be no different.  Up side?  Happy women getting big diamonds in unusual proposal scenarios all over the country on Christmas & New Years Eve.  The flip side?  Dozens of soon-2-be bridal attendants are in "danger" of getting asked that double-edged-sword of a question: Will you be my (bridesmaid, maid of honor, groomsman, you name it?).

On the surface, it's sweet, flattering; an honor even.  Often times, though, couples feel obligated to ask this person or that, fulfilling a high school promise (i.e.: I'll be yours if you'll be mine) or a familial obligation (2nd Cousin Twice Removed/Honored Bridesmaid?).

All fine and good.  However, the same bride who invites 6 of her "best" friends to stand up for her, and "lovingly" requires her fiance to match them with 6 handsome men to escort them down the aisle and wear "comfy" tuxes will at some point in her planning come to me and ask "Why are weddings so expensive" or "Can you tell me the secret of sticking to a budget?"

There are multiple approaches to saving money, but by and far the two most effective are: keeping the guest list small, and keeping the bridal party small.

"But she's my dearest 3rd cousin 7 times removed who I met last year and JUST love!"  you'll protest.

Do you love her $1000 worth?

Seriously.  Once you've calculated the potential costs of a bridal party member, you better either be a Rockefeller or a seriously generous pauper, because it's gonna start to add up.  Where will the money go?

1. Accommodations: if you're not planning to marry in your hometown (or your bridal party's) you will be responsible for the accommodations of the main players on the nights during which you "require" their "services" - at least rehearsal and wedding night.

2. Rehearsal Dinner: In these days when the "who pays for what" lines have been blurred, note that someone has got to pay the per-person price of the rehearsal dinner - and that includes dates.

3. Dates: attendants are often welcome to and encouraged to bring dates (who incidentally, like every other guest, won't be paying for their own meal or alcohol)

4. Attire: You're not required to pay for their attire, but many, many situations arise, the solution to which involving the 2BWeds (engaged couples for those pre-GenXers) and their "offer" to pick up the tab for the formalwear or the bridesmaids gowns and/or accessories.  That $600 couture bridesmaids' dress doesn't look quite so shiny now, does it?

5. Gifts: yep, traditionally they get a (nice) gift at the rehearsal dinner, possibly an out-of-town guest gift bag and more rarely, a myriad of other "tokens" of appreciation - including an invitation to a bridal luncheon (again, per-person meal charge) and the morning after brunch (your hotel is shouting "cha-ching!").

6. Flowers: I'm working on an article demystifying the (rising) cost of personal flowers and arrangements.  You can add almost $100 per bridesmaid, $60+ per flower girl and somewhere between $10 and $30 per most groomsmen and parent who will wear or carry personal flowers (and that's just average).

And I'm not even including the price of their reception meal as I'm (possibly in a misguided fashion) assuming that you love these people enough that you'd have invited them anyway.

Want to add random children just for the "pictures"?  Don't forget the cost of their parents attendance at all wedding party functions, and don't get me started on trying to find a "nice" way of saying that your flower girl niece can attend your otherwise adults only reception but your best friend's (who is probably your maid of honor) daughter can't.  Wanna see fireworks (without paying for them?  They're expensive too).

Just by rough estimation, that means that a 12-person bridal party will average an addition of around $12000 to your wedding budget!  Go on.  Pick yourself UP off the floor.  And you're wondering why the $10,000 wedding you've allegedly budgeted for is not going to happen the way you thought it was.

Rest assured that I am not pleading with you to go without a bridal party - just to take a good hard look at your reasons for tormenting those people you profess to love most in the world on your big, special day.  Some people are BORN to be bridal attendants, and others do it because they love you.  Whatever the case may be, should your budget be less than that of modern royalty, please give due consideration to the financial impact that each extra bridal party member will have on your overall total and stick to those people who really would not marry without.

All fine and good.  However, the same bride who invites 6 of her "best" friends to stand up for her, and "lovingly" requires her fiance to match them with 6 handsome men to escort them down the aisle and wear "comfy" tuxes will at some point in her planning come to me and ask "Why are weddings so expensive" or "Can you tell me the secret of sticking to a budget?"

There are multiple approaches to saving money, but by and far the two most effective are: keeping the guest list small, and keeping the bridal party small.

"But she's my dearest 3rd cousin 7 times removed who I met last year and JUST love!"  you'll protest.

Do you love her $1000 worth?

Seriously.  Once you've calculated the potential costs of a bridal party member, you better either be a Rockefeller or a seriously generous pauper, because it's gonna start to add up.  Where will the money go?

1. Accommodations: if you're not planning to marry in your hometown (or your bridal party's) you will be responsible for the accommodations of the main players on the nights during which you "require" their "services" - at least rehearsal and wedding night.

2. Rehearsal Dinner: In these days when the "who pays for what" lines have been blurred, note that someone has got to pay the per-person price of the rehearsal dinner - and that includes dates.

3. Dates: attendants are often welcome to and encouraged to bring dates (who incidentally, like every other guest, won't be paying for their own meal or alcohol)

4. Attire: You're not required to pay for their attire, but many, many situations arise, the solution to which involving the 2BWeds (engaged couples for those pre-GenXers) and their "offer" to pick up the tab for the formalwear or the bridesmaids gowns and/or accessories.  That $600 couture bridesmaids' dress doesn't look quite so shiny now, does it?

5. Gifts: yep, traditionally they get a (nice) gift at the rehearsal dinner, possibly an out-of-town guest gift bag and more rarely, a myriad of other "tokens" of appreciation - including an invitation to a bridal luncheon (again, per-person meal charge) and the morning after brunch (your hotel is shouting "cha-ching!").

6. Flowers: I'm working on an article demystifying the (rising) cost of personal flowers and arrangements.  You can add almost $100 per bridesmaid, $60+ per flower girl and somewhere between $10 and $30 per most groomsmen and parent who will wear or carry personal flowers (and that's just average).

And I'm not even including the price of their reception meal as I'm (possibly in a misguided fashion) assuming that you love these people enough that you'd have invited them anyway.

Want to add random children just for the "pictures"?  Don't forget the cost of their parents attendance at all wedding party functions, and don't get me started on trying to find a "nice" way of saying that your flower girl niece can attend your otherwise adults only reception but your best friend's (who is probably your maid of honor) daughter can't.  Wanna see fireworks (without paying for them?  They're expensive too).

Just by rough estimation, that means that a 12-person bridal party will average an addition of around $12000 to your wedding budget!  Go on.  Pick yourself UP off the floor.  And you're wondering why the $10,000 wedding you've allegedly budgeted for is not going to happen the way you thought it was.

Rest assured that I am not pleading with you to go without a bridal party - just to take a good hard look at your reasons for tormenting those people you profess to love most in the world on your big, special day.  Some people are BORN to be bridal attendants, and others do it because they love you.  Whatever the case may be, should your budget be less than that of modern royalty, please give due consideration to the financial impact that each extra bridal party member will have on your overall total and stick to those people who really would not marry without.

Comments

[Deidre Gray]

Great article Shayna. I read it on Isis' blog. This is so true and so eloquently put. Great job!!